Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Why Ameritrash Is Gay.


Title speaks for itself really.


1. People insist we aren’t treated as a minority group.

Despite the blatantly obvious bias against AT on other websites such as Board Game Geek, the euro crowd will forever deny it exists. “Oh, you get treated like everyone else!” they cry, while creating the 400th geeklist about the best games to teach new gamers, which of course does not contain one ameritrash title. I guess new gamers are too young to hear about our horribly perverse lifestyle.


2. People want us to keep our ‘lifestyle’ to ourselves.

Most normal gamers don’t mind that we play the games we do, as long as we keep our behavior in our homes where they don’t have to see it. Just create 2 threads about AT at the same time and watch the posters from euroland descend upon the threads en masse, stating that they are sick of reading all this AT stuff!


3. We apparently have an ‘agenda’.

Very similar to the ‘gay agenda’ which the tin foil hat brigade insists exists; we too supposedly have an ‘agenda’ according to our detractors - we are simply about stirring trouble, causing chaos and bringing down God’s wrath upon everyone’s head. We don't like or are interested in boardgames at all. Won’t somebody please think of the children?


4. The people against us never admit to being trashophobes.

“Oh I’m not a homophobe! Why some of my friends are gay!”

“Oh we aren’t all about Euros! Why some of my gathering of friends played Descent and Loopin’ Louie in the back corner!”


5. We love theme, flashy presentation and cheesiness.

"The game is all that matters" my arse. We want nice bits, cornball settings and situations, and over the top artwork. Plus we love toys.


6. We believe the longer the better.

No quickie fillers for us thanks. We prefer it to last all night.


7. We know how to party.

Playing Eurogames is akin to going to the opera – I don't care how sophisticated it's meant to be, it’s fucking boring.

Ameritrash is like a gay mardi gras – people tut-tut that we shouldn’t be engaging in such boisterous and uncivilized behavior while we are busy having the time of our lives.


8. Church groups hate us

My copy of DOOM still has water damage from the time when Father Panteloni tried to exorcise it.


9. We love a good catfight.

No passive aggressive bullshit for us. If we have a problem with what someone has done we aren’t afraid to let them know by calling them names, throwing things at them or diving across the table in an attempt to claw their eyes out.


10. We actually know how to make fun of ourselves.

Clearly a trait the Eurosnoots sorely lack.


So be loud and be proud my brothers!


On Monday I will be starting a “mailbag” section, where I will personally respond to comments or questions about our old articles (think 60 minutes.) If you want to write in and get your name above the comments section, send you emails to fortressat@gmail.com with [mailbag] in the header. Otherwise I’ll just invent some fake mail to make it look like we have fans.

61 comments:

MWChapel said...

Your so ghey.

Mr Skeletor said...

Thank you.

Ken Bradford said...

Fabulous!



For some reason I now have Joe Jackson's "Steppin' Out" running through my head...

Patrick H said...

Nobody throws better parties.

Patrick H said...

That's it - I'm pulling my old "Shogun" out of the closet cus that's what it's called dammit!! It was made that way - it's not Samurai Swords it's Fuckin Shogun !! Look at all those plastic armies and not a wood cube in sight.

There - I've said it.

Michael Barnes said...

"Camp is more than just a row of tents"

Dead on. Brilliant!

Michael Barnes said...

You forgot to add that we're out of the closet now too...

Julian said...

Fantastic article darling.

I have one complaint though. When are we going to see your hunky avatar on this blog?

SusanRoz said...

More pictures! More pictures!

Even though I don't agree with all of it, some of the articles and discussions on this blog have been excellent. Well done.

the red phantom said...

I think you guys need to get your metaphors straight, as it were. Are Euros snooty, or not? And if so, what's snootier than opera? On the other hand, what's gayer than opera?

But then, in his PoG review, Mr. Barnes speaks of Euros being the "cheap sex" of the gaming world, which really doesn't fit with the austere snootiness and blandness of Euros. But cheap sex in the back of a monster truck? That is so Ameritrash!

So I'm confused. But not in *that* way...

Mr Skeletor said...

You forgot to add that we're out of the closet now too...

Argh! That was the one I was going to start with, I had a host of them but by the time I got off my arse to write the article I forgot half of them!
Avatar goes up when I can figure out how to do it.
Also looks like blogger fixed the picture uploading so pictures should be easier to include now (I had to host images offsite for my first article.)

Ryan Walberg said...

Everyone knows the Ameritrashers play better music at their nightclubs.

J de said...

This is a complete turn about from the Eurovision Song Contest, which is definitely gay. So why is it not the same for Eurogames?

And just wait till loads of grunts with no taste for another tour in Iraq start claiming they're AT gamers so the U.S. Army kicks them out.

Michael Barnes said...

I tried for quite a while to "court" this gay board game group in Atlanta to have their event at my store...I was going to go ALL OUT for 'em too, let them really own it and make it a lot of fun...of course, they were really just into the mainstream games which was fine but the guy that organized it was so flakey he never followed up on anything. I really wanted to see a bunch of queens descend on the stuck-up/sexless Nerd Central that Atlanta Game Factory was on Saturday night.

You know...Mr. Skeletor and all of his cronies are always shirtless...is Snake Mountain some kind of gay bar?

Patrick H said...

Snake Mountain used to be called "The Garage" but was shut down in the late 70's only to open as Snake Mountain in the early 80's.

The place just hasn't been the same...not the same vibe without Beastman.

Michael Barnes said...

Wow...I didn't realize it was The Garage, I heard that place was CRAZY. I spent all my time over at Grayskull, back when it was still called Paradise...Larry Levan used to do some KILLER sets there, one of my fondest memories is hanging out with Man-at-Arms (talk about a QUEEN!) and watching Teela snort a full cubic pound of cocaine.

savagecupid said...

By "Gay" you mean happy right? Otherwise I think Bi might be more correct. After all we will euro when "in europe", we just won't swallow.

alan polak said...

Little Baggies. Everyone loves little baggies.Even worse:TUPPERWARE. Perfect for keeping all your pieces separated. None of my group are into that dark item known as "the tuck box" though. Maybe they aren't as gay as I thought. How long before someone posts on some other site that there's a whole lot of gay bashing being done over here I wonder?

Michael Barnes said...

How long before someone posts on some other site that there's a whole lot of gay bashing being done over here I wonder?

Five minutes.

Ken Bradford said...

I mean, who says stuff like this, anyway?


"Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, "By the power of Greyskull, I have the power!"


Then there's the whole purple thing. "Prince" Adam indeed.


Of course, there's this little nugget:

"Only three others share this secret...our friends the Sorceress, Man-at-Arms, and Orko."


Sounds like all the makings for a swingin' party to me. "Secret" indeed.

Rliyen said...

Little Baggies. Everyone loves little baggies.Even worse:TUPPERWARE. Perfect for keeping all your pieces separated. None of my group are into that dark item known as "the tuck box" though. Maybe they aren't as gay as I thought. How long before someone posts on some other site that there's a whole lot of gay bashing being done over here I wonder?

Let's not forget fishing tackle boxes converted to WH40k Carrying cases.

*muffled cry from the case*

FOR THE EMPEROR!

Bohemian said...

Best article yet. Bravo.

vandemonium said...

Best post ever Frank!

Patrick H said...

Are the fanny paks full of little baggies?

If someone gets a woody at Greyskull is that considered euro or AT?

Michael Barnes said...

If someone gets a woody at Greyskull is that considered euro or AT?

That question, my friend, is why Fortress: Ameritrash exists.

big gay al(an polak) said...

Five minutes? the clocks ticking....Actually I was waiting for a bunch of anonymous "my friend is gay and I dont think this is funny" kind of posts here. ticktock. Maybe we could get those "queer eye for the straightguy" guys on board with this. They show up at peoples houses and sort out their issues. Obviously there is a lot of faghags out there. "darling wooden cubes and meeples are SO last season. This season is all about guns and colour" Or something.

Big Gay Boardgamer said...

So THAT explains the inspiration behind Milk and Pickles...

Patrick H said...

What's with the descrimination against small here. Why does everyone have to be "Big Gay" so and so. This site is really beginning to tank and go down in a swirling motion.

Patrick H said...

Bored Gay Geek

Michael Barnes said...

It's alright, L'il Patrick.

Ken Bradford said...

Does anyone miss the old days of Fortress: Ameritrash, before we let all the riff-raff in?

robartin said...

Frank, I'll remind you that this is a family website and prurient content is not welcome here.

Michael Barnes said...

Does anyone miss the old days of Fortress: Ameritrash, before we let all the riff-raff in?

Yeah, things sure have changed since Tom Vasel posted...I've noticed a lot of familiar avatars missing. :-(

Patrick H said...

You guys want to see some funny shit watch some of this. This is about a trailer park outside of Halifax - Julian's neck of the woods.

http://www.showcase.ca/tpb/videos.aspx

Watch an episode or two and let me know what sort of games these guys are playing.

Ken Bradford said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ken Bradford said...

After much deliberation, I've come to a decision. I've decided to ban Professor Euro from posting on Fortress: Ameritrash, permanently.

I didn't make this decision lightly, and it's the first time ever in the history of the site that I've ever had to do it.

It's not something I expect to be doing regularly. If you feel like you need to complain about it - please take it to the Complaints Forum here on Fortress: Ameritrash.---


Ken Bradford
Boardmember
Fortress: Ameritrash LLC

Michael Barnes said...

I can't find the complaints forum.

Ken Bradford said...

Please take that complaint to the Complaints Forum.

Patrick H said...

Was he given enough warnings? I know the guy was hostile and believe me I was scared a few times but....

Who will champion the euro cause besides anonymous?

Ken Bradford said...

I distinctly remember the following post:


"Guys, let's keep things a bit more civil, okay?

And no insulting Frank. We like Frank."



This warning went unheeded, and here we are.

Ken Bradford said...

Incidentally--I've also suspended "Anonymous" for two weeks. He frequently disagrees with me, and I find this bothersome.

Patrick H said...

Now he was really getting under my skin with all that finger-up-nose and stick-up-ass nonsense that characterized his presence here.

I'm glad to see that security is taken seriously. If we don't all agree on everything then we're fucked.

BagpipeDan said...

Goddammit all I want is to be banned from somewhere.

Barnes you are so goddamn Euro you poop cubes.

TheRankO said...

He frequently disagrees with me, and I find this bothersome.

"Franklin," I'm sorry but that's a load of crap and if anything it only adds to the climate of hysteria and speculative exaggeration that's all over F:AT right now...

Ken Bradford said...

I am not Herbert.

not billy sparkles said...

YEEAAHHHH!!!

FINALLY, IT'S ALL OUT IN THE OPEN!!

MILK AND PICKLES FOR EVERYONE!!



Billy Z.

Big Gay Boardgamer said...

>What's with the discrimination against small here.

Well, you obviously aren't gay, or you would know!

As a true BGB, I can tell you that you missed a few important reasons in your post.

11. Size Matters.
You danced around this one, but just didn't get to the point. Bigger is better. We want it big. So big that we can't fit it in our normal places. We want it spread all over the table, the floor, and the bed.

12. Everyone, deep inside, is at least AT:Curious.
No matter how Eurogamey someone is on the outside, deep inside, there is some theme, some interest, some area where their little ATer wants to come out and play. There is SOMETHING that will get them going so much that they will put aside elegance and cube to play a game in that themed area. Everyone's got a little AT interest inside, no matter how well they hide it.

13. ATers want to screwing.
Eurogaming is like "making love." It's elegant and refined, neat and tidy, and involves cuddling. Everything is well-defined and it can be an intellectual and emotional experience.

AT games are like screwing. There's no need for chit chat. It's messy, loud, and all over the place. You don't plan ahead, it's not elegant, and you don't need candles or roses. Sometimes, people get bruises and bumps, but at the end, you'll all sweaty and exhausted.



..and one ways that AT is not gay:

a. Age matters.
In the gay world, once you get beyond a certain age, you are ignored by a large potion of the population. Youth draws attention. It is in this aspect that Eurogamers jump from new game to new game, while ATers can stand by the classics, appreciating them as as they age.


And one side observation:

Busty Women = Distraction.

Many times, those that shout the loudest about hot babes and put up the biggest pictures are the same people that go home and fantasize about cock. It's a show, useful in "fitting in," while really you are just insecure in your own sexuality because of your curiosity. So, this is a direct way that AT = gay; those that shout loudest about hot babes are those who want to drop to their knees back in the locker room.

OK, that really doesn't fit the theme, but it's gonna make you all think twice the next time you post a picture of a woman.

Your local Big Gay Boardgamer.

Michael Barnes said...

Eurogaming is like "making love."

Oh no...don't get Eurovajean's attention...what is it he said, "Boardgames are about making love, not hate"?

Our local BGB has said some of the most gloriously foul and licentious comments I've ever heard in the proximity of board games...most said while looking at the WRASSLIN' cards.

Patrick H said...

Eurogaming is like "faking love".

William Boykin said...

Euro games, with their penchant for 'quickies', is a lot like the San Francisco bathhouse scene. AT, on the other hand, underscores COMMITMENT- Night long COMMITMENT to a game, or even a GAME SYSTEM!

Yea, my brothers, follow not the Godless Euros and their Meeples, for the Meeple is the Fourth sign of the coming APOCALYPSE! Join with me in a grand game of Monsters Menace America, and HEAL the Godless- Pray that they might find SALVATION from SOULLESS Euro and find true GAMER SATISFACTION in the arms of the Lord.

Amen.

To keep this post afloat, please find it in your hearts and pocketbooks to send your hard earned dollars to
William Boykin
123 Junta Ave.
Austin TX
90125

Amen and thank you.

Michael Barnes said...

To keep this post afloat, please find it in your hearts and pocketbooks to send your hard earned dollars to..

No, no...you're going about it the wrong way... call it a "Prayer Request" and give us a Paypal address...

Shellhead said...

My perspective is warped in a different direction.

Family games are straight, obviously, because that's where families come from, good old-fashioned heterosexual relations.

Euro games are gay, because they are so brief and trendy, and then easily discarded as EuroGamers move on to the next batch of EuroGames. They favor a high quantity of shallow, emotionless encounters.

AT games are lesbian, capable of lasting for hours at a time, and ready to settle down into a long-term commitment by the second date. Like real dykes, AT gamers are more likely to talk tough and wear flannel.

Mr Skeletor said...

How long before someone posts on some other site that there's a whole lot of gay bashing being done over here I wonder?

There are 2 near inevitabilities upon my posting this article:
1) Some homophobic dickhead will use it as an excuse for a bit of gay bashing in the comments section.
2) Some Politically Correct wanker will insist that my article is homophobic and offensive because it dares to mention 'gay people'.

I'm pleasantly surprised that 52 comments in I haven't seen either.

Clarissimus said...

Well I was getting ready to do #1 but since you beat me to the punch by predicting it, it just wouldn't be any fun.

mtlawson said...

Your so ghey

::sings in falsetto::

I bet you think this list is about you!

::thwacks head a couple of times::

Steppin' Out my ass, I've got Carly Simon's Greatest Hits running through my head right now. Man, some AC/DC would do the job right now.

Ted Torgerson said...

I'm sorry but after reading some of these comments I feel like I need to take a shower.


Who's in? It has a mist setting to die for.

Michael Barnes said...

AT games are lesbian

So that means when old-school gamers get into Eurogames it's tantamount to "lesbian bed death"?

"You...you dress in pink and blue just like a child/in a yellow taxi we'll drive/to the other side/if you follow me/hey there, steppin' out/into the light/into the night"- thanks a lot guys...

simon said...

"After much deliberation, I've come to a decision. I've decided to ban Professor Euro from posting on Fortress: Ameritrash, permanently."

Let's donate!

Fellonmyhead said...

Whinging bunch of poofs!

Mr Skeletor said...

You're all class.

Sachi said...

Thanks for writing this.