Friday, 13 April 2007

What I Love About Ameritrash

Alright, instead of my usual droning spiel, I thought I'd just give you guys some Friday thoughts about things I love to do during your typical AT game.



THINGS I LOVE:


1. Drawing a card that causes me to look at my position on the board and my opponent's position on the board, then smiling.

2. Moving my space fleet into yours...unleashing a barrage of PDF and anti-fighter fire...crushing your Dreadnaughts, breaking your back, and leaving you humble.

3. Using my plastic warrior and his gun/sword to mercilessly dispatch creatures and/or your plastic warriors.

4. Finding Items and/or Equipment that will make my plastic warrior all the more skilled at mercilessly dispatching creatures and/or your plastic warriors.

5. Rounding a corner in a dungeon-crawl game to come face-to-face with a beast that should only exist in your nightmares.

6. Smiling, making nice with you, only to smash your people when it suits me.

7. Seeing my piles of plastic armies occupying more territory this turn than they did last turn.

8. Making fun of you as you're eliminated and forced to go get chips for everybody.

9. Leaping from the darkness and attacking Mina Harker, attempting to at long last claim my bride.

10. Using Greyjoy and driving all your little boats into the deep blue sea.

11. Tossing fistfuls of dice and seeing all those little hit icons come up...it's almost like Christmas.

12. Eating one of your little non-unique shmoes with "Chompy" in a game of Heroscape.

13. Cutting down Qui-Gon Jinn with a flurry of double-bladed lightsaber action.

14. Calling Order 66 and bending the entire galaxy to my will.

15. Using the Witch King to crush Minas Tirith, demolishing man's so-called "White City".

16. Talking in very bad accents as my limo-riding goons do a merciless drive-by of your crime boss.

17. Having Hulk drop a bookcase on Elektra.

18. Hitting you with damage that makes you check the rules to see if damage actually goes that high.

19. Running down your troops with Austrian cavalry, dicing your little mens into bits.

20. Hiding under the desk while a gaggle of Zombies chomps your brains out. Sorry, "Survival of the Fittest", yo







Have a good weekend, everybody!

70 comments:

C. A. Silbach said...

Nice post! The first item

1. Drawing a card that causes me to look at my position on the board and my opponent's position on the board, then smiling.

...is pure gold! :)

Patrick H said...

I also love "helping" new players, sending them into diversionary attacks that suit my purposes under the false pretense of alliance - only to have them finished off.

Nothing is sweeter than having multiple attacks blunted by your own defenses and then counter attacking with far to many 6's popping up than luck would normally provide.

Anonymous said...

14. NUkes

ekted said...

"18. Hitting you with damage that makes you check the rules to see if damage actually goes that high."

This one gave me a good chuckle. :)

Shellhead said...

Revenge is so sweet! In Nuclear War, getting eliminated is okay as long as your retaliatory strike takes out the guy who killed you. Even better if you manage to kill off everybody with that retaliatory strike, either directly, or by setting off a chain of deaths and retaliatory strikes that ousts every player.

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

Try throwing 20+ dice in LotR Combat Hex, getting above average number of 5s & 6s and then assigning nearly all of the damage to your opponents high-point heroes .... my 8yr old lad hates it !
But then he seems to get all the good throws on ranged shots which usually results in Legolas pin-cushioning my troops from outside my range :-)

Thanks for all the good threads and excellent posts (for & against) in them over the past few weeks.
Seems to be boiling down to simple enjoyment (which is what games should be all about) - and some people enjoy causing havoc and devastation, and some people enjoy completing a challenging game, and some people enjoy beating a good puzzle wrapped up in a game .... to each there own but we all love games.

I personally have three games rated at 10 on BGG - Age of Steam, Power Grid, Puerto Rico - as these games give me great fun and a challenge. But on some days of the year I'd give games like A&A, Fortress America, Warrior Knights, LotR Combat a 12 because I just want pure, unbridled, destructive excitement with figures moving everywhere, dice crashing, and myself escaping to another dimension for a few hours ... theme, story, escapism ... ABSOLUTE MAYHEM AND FUN.

Peace-Nik said...

Anyone for a nice game of FlowerPower?

Shellhead said...

Whatever happened to being kind and playing friendly games?

The kind and friendly games are the ones where we all team up to kill the bad guys, like Arkham Horror or The Vesuvius Incident.

Michael Barnes said...

I got your "kind and friendly" right here Eurovajean...have a 100 Megaton-bearing Saturn up your ass. No final retaliation.

Anonymous said...

I'm a kind and friendly gamer, eurojavean. Next game of Fortress: Ameritrash Diplomacy you and I'll be allies forever and get a dual victory! Those are always the most rewarding :)

Also, "18. Hitting you with damage that makes you check the rules to see if damage actually goes that high."

That makes me smile the smile of extreme happiness.

Michael Barnes said...

Damn it, now I'm screwing up the postings...

I love making really crap strategic plays and suboptimal choices just to punish/annihiliate another player at the expense of losing the game just to punish them for past transgressions...that may have occured in another game weeks ago!

ubarose said...

LMAO when I fall into a pit and die on my third turn.

Michael Barnes said...

Ha! That reminds me of my all-time greatest AT memory. I had just bought DUNGEONQUEST at Dragon Con back in 1995 and the inimitable Frank Branham spied it and offered to show us how to play. So I broke the shrink, and we set it up. I was really excited since I wanted the game when it was in print and never got around to getting it. So I took the first turn. I drew the tile and it was the bottomless pit. I was eliminated on the very first turn of my first game of DUNGEONQUEST.

That was 11 years ago. But you know, I can't remember a single god damned thing that happened in my game of PILLARS OF THE EARTH last week other than Richard Launius sitting in the sand pit for pretty much the whole game.

Shellhead said...

Also, "18. Hitting you with damage that makes you check the rules to see if damage actually goes that high."

That makes me smile the smile of extreme happiness.


You should really play The Hills Rise Wild sometime. Not only is it a definitive AmeriTrash experience, with hillbilly cultists fighting to the death over the Necronomicon, but it has the Brutal Damage table.

When you score a critical hit on an opposing character in THRW, you roll 1d20 on the Brutal Damage table. Every entry has a colorful description and the actual impact in terms of game mechanics. IIRC, "Take it, Gimpy!" involves extra damage plus a movement penalty. "I Give'em a Beatin'" is just extra damage and maybe a stun result. "Daddy's Home!" is an automatic kill result plus the attacker gains a permanent combat bonus.

Julian said...

I'd just like to put in a good word for vengeance here. Even if you can't win, taking someone with you makes it all worth while.

Thaadd said...

I love taking down others - I'm not compeditive in the 'I need to win' way. I'm more the 'who is irritating me the most' targeting person. I love when people cry that I'm not playing right - a certain sort of gamer can't get their mind around any other type of playing style than their own.

Shellhead said...

Thaadd,

Is there any chance that you FFG guys could get the rights to The Hills Rise Wild and publish that Re-Animated sequel that Pagan couldn't afford to publish? It's a great game, but they never had the kind of marketing and distribution that Fantasy Flight has right now.

Btw, thanks for replacing my missing Martell token *twice*. I'm the guy who mistakenly asked for the linen stock when I had an older set with the smooth tokens. You guys still rock!

Rliyen said...

"Whatever happened to being kind and playing friendly games? I don't understand this obsession you people have with hurting other players. How are new players supposed to get into your games if you are all so cruel?


All of this violence...you might as well play Grand Theft Auto or one of those other nasty, adult vidoe games.


WH40K mode on:

Being friendly is only for the weak.

WH40K mode off.


In all seriousness, it's in good natured fun and ribbing. If you can't see that, eurovajean, then to make a retort in line with your GTA crack: With all due haste, please remove that meeple out of your ass You'll find that you'll be able to think better...

eurovajean said...

This is the probelm with you americans...you always want to make hate while the rest of the world is trying to make love.

In Europe we have had two world wars so we have had enough of violence. when I play a game like Pompeii all I can think about is the horror of being burned alive by lava. Violence is not a good game topic unless you are unable to have human compassion like many of the bloggers here are guilty of.

So what I am saying to you is to use games to make love rather than make hate.

Shellhead said...

I like to play Twister with my girlfriend and her friends.

BagpipeDan said...

This is the probelm with you americans...you always want to make hate while the rest of the world is trying to make love.

And the problem with you Europeans is that your head is so far up your ass that you have to open your mouth to see light.

I mean seriously, that's one of the most fucking ridiculous things I've ever read.

Except Matt, of course. He's British so as far as I understand the big stick he keeps up there precludes any head-up-ass activity.

BagpipeDan said...

Which reminds me. I like it when I can count my victory in bodies, countries conquered, lands subdued, or cities razed. What the fuck do those cubes in T&E mean? But when I kill 25 ZOMBIEs! I know what I did and what it meant. Rock on brother!

mtlawson said...

This is the probelm with you americans...you always want to make hate while the rest of the world is trying to make love.


You're kidding me, right? Then how do you explain soccer/futbol riots, race riots in France, riots and political assassinations in Amsterdam and England, The Troubles, Skinheads, Red Brigade, and the Balkans?

And that's just Europe.

ubarose said...

So what I am saying to you is to use games to make love

The board too, or just the bits?

Mr Skeletor said...

Actually I agree with eurovajean.
I enjoy waging war just as much, actually probably more, then the rest of you guys.
But if there is a naked chick in my house then i don't give a flying shit about trying out the new TI3 expansion. Love wins every time.
Unless she is fat and hairy, in which case I'll pull out descent.

eurovajean said...

It is sad what is happening here. "Ameritrash" is revealed as little more than a skinhead gang for boardgamers. You both revel in the same cruelty and violence and ameritrash is little more than racism for types of boardgames. Soon you will be promoting Adolf Hitler as some kind of ameritrash fan.

Boardgames should be for unity, not shameful division.

Crumb said...

The most awesome thing is that I can't tell if eurovagina is being ironic. Bring on the conflict!

adrianbolt said...

ubarose said...
So what I am saying to you is to use games to make love
The board too, or just the bits?

I believe the adult version of Eiertanz comes with vibrating eggs...

adrianbolt said...

Good news!
The joy of Ameritrash is discussed on BGG.

Bad news!
http://boardgamegeek.com/thread/161478

Julian said...

The most fascinating thing about this thread is that I've learnt Mr. Skeletor enjoys playing Descent with naked fat hariy women.

I'd suspected, but had never known for sure.

ubarose said...

Boardgames should be for unity, not shameful division.

Games, in all forms, are about establishing the alpha male in the group. Whose the cleverest, whose the funniest, whose the boldest. Whether it's a slugfest, or a cooperative game to feed ducklings, one guy will emerge as the leader. That's why those bozos on BGG can't get their girlfriends to play 2-player games with them. Play four players with one straight woman and three straight men and it is hot, hot, hot. That's the game baby.

eurovajean said...

Ubarose: you should be ashamed of yourself by falling into the sexist trappings of this ameritrash gang. I am assuming you are a lady and I thought that the american lady was as noble and headstrong as your Hillary Clinton.

Crumb: I am not Ironic. i don't even really know that that means but if it means "funny" I will have you know that I am serious. But it is just like an american to say
"bring on the conflict", I would not be surprised to hear that you are behind President Bush.

Here in Finland we do not have to kill or intimidate our friends to get our jollies.

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

eurovajean said...
It is sad what is happening here. "Ameritrash" is revealed as little more than a skinhead gang for boardgamers. You both revel in the same cruelty and violence and ameritrash is little more than racism for types of boardgames. Soon you will be promoting Adolf Hitler as some kind of ameritrash fan.


What kind of sad fuck are you .... you whine like a 30yr old who still lives with his mother and only plays ABBA records.
If that's all you can offer then just fuck off as there's a limit to free speech even on this forum - that's just dribbling shit ...

Michael Barnes said...

Unless she is fat and hairy, in which case I'll pull out descent.

Frank, in that circumstance it doesn't matter what you pull out...as long as you pull out.

Crumb said...

The secret service makes it difficult to get behind President Bush.

It's cool that you're from Finland. You guys made the Soviets look like idiots in the Winter War and were the only European country to pay the US back after WWII for all the loans we gave you. Thumbs up!

Crumb said...

I thought that the american lady was as noble and headstrong as your Hillary Clinton.

It's this kind of comment that makes me like you so much. How can this NOT be ironic. :)

eurovajean said...

The Finns believe in paying their debts so you should not be surprised.

"Southern Man": I do not live with my mother but I do love the music of ABBA. If you will remember they once won the Eurovision song contest and last year it was the awful heavymetal band LORDI, which creaated division and turmoil just like this ameritrash did on boardgamegeek.

I wonder why you are called "Southern Man"? Do you believe in slavery like they do in teh American south and do you have a confederacy flag you wear whilst gaming?

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

Could have sworn the Finns fought with the Nazis for a great amount of the war ... just a country of opportunists IMO.

I'm actually a New Zealander living in the UK so I take offence to your continued references to racism and slavery in your posts.
We all know that Europe is and always has been the cesspit of racial and religious hatred ... but you European opportunists are never slow in pointing the finger at someone else when you can just to try and remove the stigma of your past.

If you want to discuss boardgames then please get back onto topic, without having to denigrate people when you can't find an interesting counter-point ... otherwise go back to playing with your mobile phone.

Rliyen said...


I wonder why you are called "Southern Man"? Do you believe in slavery like they do in teh American south and do you have a confederacy flag you wear whilst gaming?



Wow. Just wow.

How incredibly myopic of you.

As a person born and raised in the American South (Louisiana). I DEFINITELY take offense to this. I guess I should model my view of Finnish people and culture by your offensive, ignorant verbal spewings the exact same way you paint the American South as slavery nostalgic, Confederate flag waving rednecks.

Note to eurovajean: Not all of us are rednecks or prejudiced. Please remember that distinction when you type up broad generalizations like that.

Note #2: Stop jumping to conclusions. You do that better than a kangaroo on crack.

Note #3: Again, I implore you to take that meeple out of that tightened sphincter of yours. Your brain will love you for it.

Michael Barnes said...

Yeah, really...I'm an American southerner myself...I'm a native Georgian and I don't support slavery...I don't know anyone who does.

I do support nuking the shit out of complete snotball jackasses, no matter where they're from.

How'd you miss out on getting in on that hardass viking bloodlne, eurovajean?

Shellhead said...

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room." --President Merkin Muffley, "Dr. Strangelove"

ubarose said...

eurovajean said...

Ubarose: you should be ashamed of yourself by falling into the sexist trappings of this ameritrash gang. I am assuming you are a lady and I thought that the american lady was as noble and headstrong as your Hillary Clinton.


eurovajean: I am assuming that you are a young lady and thought you might benefit from the wisdom of an older, more experienced woman.

eurovajean said...

I find the tone here to be very unwelcoming and you are not talking about board games, rather you are just making insane statements. You should all learn from what people like Tom Vasel do, by bringing people together over board games and talking about what makes them great rather promoting the hatred of Europeans with this silly "discussion". This is nothing but hate speech. I will go elsewhere to learn about board games.

Ubarose: I am in fact a man with a full penis, so your comment was ignored.

mtlawson said...

Ubarose: you should be ashamed of yourself by falling into the sexist trappings of this ameritrash gang. I am assuming you are a lady and I thought that the american lady was as noble and headstrong as your Hillary Clinton.

That's another "wow" comment. If you think that Hillary is noble and headstrong, you're in for a surprise.

If Hillary played boardgames, she'd be a master Diplomacy player. You'd have been backstabbed multiple times before you realized it was her pulling the strings.

Like many politicians, she'll say what suits her ambitions, but she's much more cold blooded than your average politician. Unlike Bill, who was cold and calculating but really just wanted to be loved by everybody, Hillary has no such compunction. Hillary wants power, make no mistake about it; if Bill was the vaguely sleazy used car salesman in his approach to things, Hillary is the classic back room politician with a nice public face but a mean nasty streak. She'd fit well in Chicago politics.

Michael Barnes said...

Can somebody get DW on the horn?

Mr Skeletor said...

eurovajean, there is plenty of TOm Vasel on the internet for you to read. We will take our own approach thanks.

eurovajean said...

Mr. Skeleton: it is just like an american to say "I will do what I want" against what the rest of the world is doing.

Patrick H said...

Mr. Eurowhatervagina,

Why is it that you are the one intending on lighting the flamethrower of nationalism, race and prejudice. You are a disgrace to Kaptain Koivu.

You suck.

Michael Barnes said...

Eurovajean- I highly recommend you take this high-level discussion over to www.boardgamegeek.com. You will find plenty of sympathy for your nonsensical viewpoints over there.

BTW- you're a real dick, chief! Bet playing those Eurogames with you is a real treat.

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

eurovajean said...
I will go elsewhere to learn about board games.


Promises, promises ... just fuck off and take your limp dick with you

BTW - Mr Skeletor is an Australian, so that's another racist attack that has backfired on you.
Lets see - we have Americans, Brits, Aussies, Kiwis amongst others here all with the same alternative tastes and understanding ... and one fucked up Fin who wants the whole world to follow his bland view on life - might explain why no one in the world knows fuck all about your boring country except you fought with the Nazis and a lot of mobile phones get made there.
It's not even worth wasting a nuke on.

alan polak said...

Just an aside here but doesn't Finland have the highest suicide rate in the whole world? Take a fucking pill guy!

Julian said...

You've got a canuck on here too.

To be fair, I've met some cool Finns. Shouldn't judge the whole country on Eurovajean. I wouldn't want to be judged by that Mole Rat guy.

I'm a bit disappointed that Eurovajean was for real. I thought it was a brilliant satire at first.

BagpipeDan said...

I'm a bit disappointed that Eurovajean was for real. I thought it was a brilliant satire at first.

They're just letting all sorts of riff-raff onto the internets these days. Which reminds me of another classic Ameritrash moment:

Everybody teaming up on the whiney player, and the rest of the game boils down to who can grab more of the spoils while also preparing for the eventual betrayal after said whiney player is gone.

Ken Bradford said...

Huh...I thought Eurovajean was satire too, a "Professor Euro" me-too kind of thing.

Yah, if you don't dig the site, thanks for checking us out, but don't let the door hit you on the way out. We aren't trying to deliberately make *YOU* miserable...that's a pretty "American" point of view you've got there.


In short, you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Pass the dice or get away from the table.

mtlawson said...

"Come, my snowflakes!"
-Lewis Black

Fairchild said...

I don't know what's going on...are you guys fighting?

BTW- go AT!

Michael Barnes said...

I have come to the decision to ban Eurovajean from Fortress Ameritrash. I didn't bother to notify him via email nor did I bother to warn him personally that he was in jeopardy of having his posting privileges banned. I wish him the best of luck in his future trolling endeavours.

Swabbleflange said...

Unless she is fat and hairy, in which case I'll pull out descent.

Either that or you'll start your descent...

BagpipeDan said...

I wish him the best of luck in his future trolling endeavours.

UR A HYPOKRETE OMG WTF IS UR PROBLEM UR KILLING FREE SPEECH PUPPIES OMG

Mr Skeletor said...

LOL, Barnes wishes, he can't ban shit from here unless he is Banging the blogger CEO or something.

BTW not only am I Australian but I have European heritage (2nd generation) so try again Euroman.

Thaadd said...

Wow. 3 days later, and still going strong. A friend of mine once said that any flamewar where a person drops a reference to another as being akin to 'Nazi' is essentially won by the opposing side, regardless of the arguement basis!

That aside, I hate it when people make broad generalisions. I end up getting a large helping of that on a regular basis due my gender. The jobfield (that I love) involves a hearty helping of undersocialized geekboys (and their grown up counterparts).

Shellhead - About that game - if you drop a general mail in at FFG, I can point it in the right direction, but I'm largely only in charge of HUGE freaking amounts of little plastic dudes (My armies can beat your armies!) and not in any way in charge of the interesting stuff. Just the gatekeeper...

Ken Bradford said...

Thaadd--that well-known principle is called "Godwin's Law". Essentially Hitler is such an obvious example of absolute evil that if you have to fall back to that to prove a point, you've lost the argument.

I'm not sure how this very celebratory blog entry turned into a nasty-fest, but that's the internet for you. I blame penile wrangling by Eurovajean, but apparently he/she is moving on to another site for boardgame news, so all should now be well.

BTW, you're doing an incredible job sending out plastic dudes and dice to FFG customers. You guys rock.

Michael Barnes said...

Wow...some real networking going on here...much more interesting than outraged Finns, that's for sure.

Mr Skeletor said...

The jobfield (that I love) involves a hearty helping of undersocialized geekboys (and their grown up counterparts).

Thadd, please refrain from making personal attacks on the writers of this site.

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

Thaadd said...
Wow. 3 days later, and still going strong. A friend of mine once said that any flamewar where a person drops a reference to another as being akin to 'Nazi' is essentially won by the opposing side, regardless of the arguement basis!


Sorry mate, but I'm a Kiwi and we don't give a shit about pissy politically correct 'laws' for geek posters. We just say what we mean out front without any backstabbing.

Please note it was the other prick who took the moral high ground about 'peaceful Europeans' and 'Bush being evil', and then followed up with 'Adolf Hitler being an Ameritrash fan' - so who was actually the first side to compare the other with Nazis then, eh ?

Were your comments meant to calm the waters or were you loading another troll into the thread ....

Michael Barnes said...

Sorry mate, but I'm a Kiwi and we don't give a shit about pissy politically correct 'laws' for geek posters. We just say what we mean out front without any backstabbing.

So does that means the Kiwis will be the first nationality banned from BGG? ;-)

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

Michael Barnes said...

So does that means the Kiwis will be the first nationality banned from BGG? ;-)


Well if I don't get rid of that ridiculous and, apparently, provocative avatar I have over there then maybe ;-p

Actually we have our fair share of quieter types as well (just that we have above average numbers of straight talkers - like the Aussies but we don't talk as much) so they will keep a level view of Kiwis on the geek.

Thaadd said...

Tom - Not trying to troll, merely pointing out an observation. I can actually get in trouble for trolling on a boardgame site! Only way it's about you (and not a generalisation) is if you make it such...

Ken - Awww, thanks. I just like to think about how confused the Customs agents are in various countries when they open up packets to find zombies, spaceships, and the occational Hell Knight...

Michael Barnes said...

Well if I don't get rid of that ridiculous and, apparently, provocative avatar I have over there then maybe ;-p

You know, if I had a dime for every time someone said something that boils down to "people would like you better without that creepy avatar" or "your avatar doesn't help your cause" then I'd have about 12 dollars. I'm dead serious.

Straight talk. That is something that Americans have BIG trouble with as a culture- and yes, even boardgamers have trouble with it. For all this talk of free speech/free expression, mainstream Americans ultimately _don't_ want straight talk- they want to be mollycoddled and told everything is OK. Sad. I actually have a lot more respect for neonazi shitbag that comes out and says "this is what I think- no apology" then someone like these racist politicians who'll make some kind of horribly prejudiced or ignorant comment and then "retract" it with these maudlin apologies and appeals to political correctness. I like to know where someone stands and if they can't give it to me straight then anything they say is pretty much bullshit as far as I'm concerned.

It's like Tom Vasel's comments around here...he made one post basically telling us how to run our show and then his next post he "apologized"...that's someone I can't respect or trust because I don't know where he really stands. Of course, I make it a point not to trust anyone who asks for Paypal donations to support a "ministry" of any description either.

Mr Skeletor said...

I can actually get in trouble for trolling on a boardgame site!

Well this ain't a boardgame site, it really about ego stroking and world domination, so you can troll all you like here without getting into trouble.
But if you do get the sack and are in desperate need of $20, I left my wallet at home.