Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Top 7 FFG Expansions I’d Like to See, But Probably Never Will

For our dedicated readership who were hiding in a Middle Eastern cave this week, overanalysing their copy of War on Terror for an undefeatable strategy, you may not have noticed that April Fools came and went. One of the most interesting things I found about April Fools this year was that the ‘fooling’ part has been all but forgotten; everyone is posting such elaborate and over the top stories that I find it hard to believe that anyone would fall for such tall tales even if it wasn’t April the 1st. I mean internet over the toilet? Really Google…

With the big exception of us of course. We performed the best April’s fool prank of all by not posting an April fool’s prank. In fact we didn’t post anything at all just to really fuck you all up. That was David Lynch level of diabolically confusing brilliance if I may say so myself. Either that or we were all too lazy to think of one up, your choice.

Anyway to get back on topic Fantasy Flight Games posted up an April fools prank (I am allowed to say it’s an April fools post now aren’t I Jeremy?) in the form of a 2007 release schedule:
The joke being Tide of Iron isn’t on the list. At least I hope that was part of the joke.

Now, people accuse me of many things, but actually being original is not one of them. So in my grand tradition of ripping off all things great and small, I thought I’d use that article as ‘inspiration’ and present to you my top 7 FFG expansions I’d like to see, but probably never will.

1) Runebound: Market Stack of Hazards.
Rather than come with more cards, this expansion comes with a card tower / dispenser to hold all of your market stack cards. Be forewarned that you will need a ceiling height of at least 9 foot in order to put all of the market cards into it, and FFG still recommend wearing a crash helmet when playing the game with all expansions included. Also comes with a giant set of inflatable hands to aid in shuffling the deck.

2) World of Warcraft: the Complete Nerd Experience.
This expansion comes with 6 foot high player shields that the players hide behind, with “boy in the bubble” style armatures to allow you to move your pieces. In this way when you are cracking onto that hot night elf fighter you can pretend that she really is a woman in real life! Just make sure that if you’re the one organising the game you buy plenty of spare boxes of Kleenex to avoid any unwanted mess. Also comes with a cat that jumps out of the box and onto the board at random times, to stimulate a server outage.

3) Twilight Imperium 3rd Edition: Party time!
This expansion allows you to experience the epic Twilight Imperium universe the way it was meant to be played – with up to 40 other players! The game comes with enough system tiles to fill a football oval, enough cardboard bits to kill an African rainforest and a booklet full of fake doctor certificates so you can take enough time off work to finish the bloody game. Now odd’s are you don’t even have 5 friends to play the game with, let alone 40 but never fear, as the game comes with a stack of free drink cards too allow you to go to the local pub and buy some more friends. Just make sure no one spills a beer on Mecatol Rex!

4) Fury of Dracula – I Don’t Need No Fucking Expansion.
This is a box that contains a plastic insert which holds air. This is because the designer got everything he wanted into the original unbroken game thus making an expansion pointless. This was voted the least likely expansion to see the light of day.

5) Arkham Horror – The HP Lovecraft Edition.
This addon to the base game converts it more towards a simulation of the book, for fans who felt the game does not follow the writing of HP Lovecraft close enough. New rules include having to roll a 7 on the die to pass skill checks as well as a home drug kit to better experience Ryleh firsthand.

6) Warrior Knights – Right of Marriage
In the olden days of history, when a peasant man married a peasant woman the local Nobel would often come down to the ceremony on his royal steed and take the young soon to be bride off for a jolly rogering, claiming it was his right of Marriage in the land. And by “olden days of history” I of course mean something I saw in a Hollywood move which I assume is true but really have no idea. Anyway “Rights of Marriage” adds some saucy (and much needed) sex to the proceedings, because lets face it politics and church corruption will only get you so far. Now you can earn victory points by getting notches on your belt, leave a bastard heir in every kingdom, and earn a reputation thanks to the new ‘stud’ deck. Just look out for syphilis!
The game also comes with a variant where players may really shag an opponent’s partner if he captures their stronghold. Perfect for gay men who want to see if their mates really are as accepting of their lifestyle as they claim!

7) TOI: Iran expansion
This expansion simulates the upcoming war in Iran. If FFG starts working on it now they may actually finish it by the time the said war is over (boom boom!)


BagpipeDan said...

This would've been better as a geeklist

Ken Bradford said...

Where's the Flag for "Report and Issue?"


Michael Barnes said...

I wonder if the War on Iran will happen before TIDE OF IRON ships?


Ken Bradford said...

To keep with the times, we'd need a DESCENT: ALTAR OF DESPAIR: PRAISE ALLAH expansion expansion.

Tom Hazlett (Southernman) said...

BagpipeDan said...
This would've been better as a geeklist

Can you imagine the shit that would come down if this snuck by some tired/'paid off' mods and actually made it as a list ... that would have been a great April 1 PRANK ... I'm just off to check :-)

433 said...

You're allowed, Frank...you're allowed.

Mr Skeletor said...

I'd like to see FFG start releasing expansions for expansions.
While I'm certain you meant this as a joke, there are a lot of people asking for expansions to the runebound 'big boxed' expansions. Unlikely to happen but it would be great if it did.

mtlawson said...

Now why is it that #6 made me think of a Capital One ad?

Mr Skeletor said...

Capital One add?
Is there a youtube link for it?

mtlawson said...

Unfortunately, no youtube copy yet, but I see that the commercial with the hobos on the train is on there.

The commercial begins with a knight riding into a castle holding the head of a dragon, and saying "I have slain the dragon! What is my reward?"

The king nods to some servants, and they open a chest to reveal a card that says "Thank you!" The king then rattles off a long line of conditions in order to get "better" rewards. You know, slaying more dragons and whatnot will allow the knight to get better rewards.

At the end, the king says, "Oh, you're eligible to marry my daughter" and the daughter appears. She's a bit, um, homely looking, but has got lust in her eyes.

So, while not what you're thinking (hey, it's American television), but the concept of "Warrior Knights" with a marriage/sex addon just screamed Capital One's "what's in your wallet?" to me.