Why didn't they hire Conan to do this job? He would have ran the whole freakin' way, squished Gollum's head with his bare hands, and made the three-point shot from Gorgoroth.
Maybe the Nexus guys can make AGE OF CONAN compatible with WAR OF THE RING.
Back in my D&D days, I used to joke with my friends about how The Lord of the Rings would have been better if Robert E. Howard had written it. Imagine the awesome fight scenes between Conan and the Nazgul, Conan and the Balrog, or best of all, Conan and Sauron.
And the One Ring wouldn't have been a problem for Conan. All they have to do is tell Conan that it's a magic ring that can only be destroyed at Mount Doom, and Conan is off to Mount Doom. No crying, or hand-wringing or wrestling with temptation, because Conan doesn't like or trust magic, so he isn't going to put on that damn ring.
And if Gollum thinks that he's going to take his Precious back, he's going to get his ass beat like a gong... the first time. The second time, Conan's going to lop his nasty little head off.
But then Gollum puts bread crumbs on Conan's friend's shoulder, and suddenly we're in the middle of an episode of CSI...
"By Crom's Beard! Thy hast eatest all the Lembas Bread!"
Sam should've been all like, "See these crumbs, Mr. Frodo? You know what this is called? An 'Orgy of Evidence'. Do you know how many of these my Old Gaffer has encountered in all his many years? NONE."
I bet upon entering Lothlorien Conan would scoff at their lack of sophistication and civility.
And then burn the whole place down, taking Arwen as his concubine.
Anybody ever notice that Conan is like a sort of exterminator, like a barbaric Orkin man? It seems like he's always fighting giant pests and vermin. Shelob wouldn't have had a chance.
"Conan, this giant snake has seven jewels. Go kill it and you can have the jewels...and that damn snake won't be posted up in my crib no more"
(visions of Conan punching the Balrog in the face and knocking it out as he staggers around Moria drunk) Not enough women to hear lamentate (that a word?) though......
I dunno Baggins... when I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring... the second time Frodo cried, I was like, "Wow, this is so much more tragic than I remembered from the books." Of course, I read those books many years ago, so maybe my memory was off.
The third time Frodo cried, I was checking my watch. The fourth time Frodo cried, I was hoping that just this once, Boromir could take that ring from him and do something macho and heroic with it. too bad about all those arrows.
23 comments:
Beard? I guess you automatically assume he's a white guy too...
Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Ilúvatar Was a Liberal"
"If it ain't Silmarillion, it ain't Bible"
Oh god, this thread is going nerd-south with the quickness...
Go for the eyes, Gandalf! GO FOR THE EYES!
That's what I'm Tolkien
about!
ShadowFax walks into a bar, bar man says 'Why the long face?'
Oh dear goodness...I've unleashed Monkeyman's INNER COMEDIAN...
I weep for the future.
AGENT ELROND: You hear that? That is the sound of Elven Ability. That is the sound of your doom. Goodbye, Mr. Baggins.
MR. BAGGINS: My name....is FRODO!!
Q. How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Zero...Elves don't change!
Sam. Frodo. Spooning on Mount Doom.
Why didn't they hire Conan to do this job? He would have ran the whole freakin' way, squished Gollum's head with his bare hands, and made the three-point shot from Gorgoroth.
Maybe the Nexus guys can make AGE OF CONAN compatible with WAR OF THE RING.
Back in my D&D days, I used to joke with my friends about how The Lord of the Rings would have been better if Robert E. Howard had written it. Imagine the awesome fight scenes between Conan and the Nazgul, Conan and the Balrog, or best of all, Conan and Sauron.
And the One Ring wouldn't have been a problem for Conan. All they have to do is tell Conan that it's a magic ring that can only be destroyed at Mount Doom, and Conan is off to Mount Doom. No crying, or hand-wringing or wrestling with temptation, because Conan doesn't like or trust magic, so he isn't going to put on that damn ring.
And if Gollum thinks that he's going to take his Precious back, he's going to get his ass beat like a gong... the first time. The second time, Conan's going to lop his nasty little head off.
But then Gollum puts bread crumbs on Conan's friend's shoulder, and suddenly we're in the middle of an episode of CSI...
"By Crom's Beard! Thy hast eatest all the Lembas Bread!"
Sam should've been all like, "See these crumbs, Mr. Frodo? You know what this is called? An 'Orgy of Evidence'. Do you know how many of these my Old Gaffer has encountered in all his many years? NONE."
I am so glad I don't watch CSI.....
--Mike L.
http://ringil.cis.ksu.edu/Tolkien/Movie/lotr.mov
Saruman...
Your link is broken.
*SNAP*
Don't forget that Conan would have beat on the Elves & slept with their women on his way to Mordor for practice - because Elves are just crap.
"Turn around Sam - it's time for your bonus"
"My bonus Frodo?"
"Yeah - a bone between us"
I bet upon entering Lothlorien Conan would scoff at their lack of sophistication and civility.
And then burn the whole place down, taking Arwen as his concubine.
Anybody ever notice that Conan is like a sort of exterminator, like a barbaric Orkin man? It seems like he's always fighting giant pests and vermin. Shelob wouldn't have had a chance.
"Conan, this giant snake has seven jewels. Go kill it and you can have the jewels...and that damn snake won't be posted up in my crib no more"
...and come to think of it, Lord of the Rings could have done with a couple of Sandahl Bergman shower scenes.
Sigh. I need to find She on DVD.
(visions of Conan punching the Balrog in the face and knocking it out as he staggers around Moria drunk)
Not enough women to hear lamentate (that a word?) though......
LORD OF TEH RINGS IS A MANS STORY- NO PLACE FOR WOMEN TO CRY OVER THEIR HUSBANDS DIEING IN BATTLE OR TURNING GAY WHILE ON MOUNTAIN TRIPS.
SAM AND FRODO IS WHERE THEY GOT THE IDEA FOR SPOCK AND KIRK.
Failed TV pilots:
Queer Elf for the Straight Hobbit
"Have an Elvencloak! It matches your eyes, but layer it sweety, layer it!... whaddya mean you're not straight?!"
I dunno Baggins... when I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring... the second time Frodo cried, I was like, "Wow, this is so much more tragic than I remembered from the books." Of course, I read those books many years ago, so maybe my memory was off.
The third time Frodo cried, I was checking my watch. The fourth time Frodo cried, I was hoping that just this once, Boromir could take that ring from him and do something macho and heroic with it. too bad about all those arrows.
"We have a mission of utmost importance and the future of civilization depends on it. Let us send these miniature, unarmed dopesmoking farmers."
I've totally got to post the animated .gif of "Lord of the Rings: The Really, Really Short Edition" someday.
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