Monday, 21 May 2007

F:AT Spiel Des Jahres Coverage- Nominees Announced!

Rather than comment on today's announcement of the 2007 Spiel Des Jahres nominees, I'd like to hand the mic over to TORO, an octopus-worshipping viking chieftain. Take it away, Toro.




NO FIRE AND AXE? WHO FUCKIN' CARES THEN????


40 comments:

Ken B. said...

HERDI HERDI HERDI~!

RobertB said...

I didn't know there was a Viking in the Village People. Go fig.

Ken B. said...

Yep. I think his name was "Lemmy".

MWChapel said...

Where's Chong?

Jack Hill said...

Your viking doth look suspiciously Turkish. I bet his octopus is a fake god as well.

Oh dear god how fake.

Mr Skeletor said...

Fire and Axe?
If that's the best we can come up with our movement is doomed.

mtlawson said...

Would Fire and Axe qualify, since it's a redo of Viking Fury?

Toro said...

Fuck you both. In fact, fuck all of you. Fire and Axe is the best viking game ever published. Much better than "Wikinger" or whatever the fuck that fucking shit is that got in the list. Let me tell you about "Wikings". They spell it like that because they're fuckin' pussies.

Who are the "Village People" anyway? I think I just got done burning their huts down and raping their womenfolk in the name of the Eight Tentacled One.

Mr Skeletor said...

I remeber more from my game of Caylus then I do from my game of Fire and Axe... and I have never played Caylus!

Toro said...

Shit, Mr. Skeletor...maybe if you'd lay off the wacky weed and focus on building a proper horde instead of those jerk-off animal people you usually hang with maybe you could be a world class menace like ol' Toro here. Then you'd appreciate Fire and Axe a little more and you can go back to your little pussy ass games like Descent. Besides, look at your body you ass...it's the exact same as He-Man's, just blue. They just stuck a skull head on there so you look like some kind of blueberry grim reaper. You're even wearing the same boots. And why does it always look like you're squatting to take a dump? Is there no toilet in Snake Mountain?

You people all need some schooling from a proper god damned viking.

Jack Hill said...

And Mr. Toro.

Vikingatid is a better viking game. It is even made by Swedes, who are far closer to vikings than cheap Turkish ripoffs.

Even if they've forsaken their heritage and plundering to go and make Volvos.

Toro said...

Alright JACK HILL...quit calling me Turkish. I am a bona fide Norseman. We kicked those fuckin' Huns to the curb and we'll do it again. Pwned those sumbitches, we did.

Oh, and your snarky Volvo comment- I don't drive a volvo, I drive a fuckin' longship, boss. Get back on your pussy tricycle and ride home to your mama, before we stab you and her in one skewer. Boo ya!

I don't know this Vikingatid but the Swedes are alright by me. They aren't as hard-ass as we Norwegians but 's alright.

Big said...

Toro,

Is that a turd on your lip?

Just wonderin.

TR

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Toro said...

"Big" (you compensating here, bud?)- Let's just say your mom and I got a little freaky when I came home from the raid last night.

Big said...

You almost had me! Then I realized, no way is that my mom's...no corn.

TR

toro said...

There's a lot you don't know about your mom, "Big".

Can we get some fuckin' beer in this goddamned place? Shit.

robartin said...

How many times have we told Mr Skeletor he's not allowed to "play Viking" any more? The guy is really out of control.

toro said...

Mr. Skeletor couldn't play "viking" if he wanted to- besides, who the fuck is going to step up and tell you to stop playing vampire? What are you, some kind of washed up goth? Fury of Dracula sucks, you need to play A MAN'S GAME like the old SPI game Ragnarok. God damn, that's a game. Fuck all this pirate shit, fuck all this Euro baby game shit with the wooden people, I burn them and flush their ashes down the crappiest toilet in my hall. Vikings are the future of everything including board games.

Fortress Ameritrash is full of nothing but whining pussy ass bitches, and it won't be long before I'm steering the longboat in your direction to kick all your fuckin' asses from here to Greenland.

Mr Skeletor said...

An explanation of Fire and Axe.
You win the game buy getting victory points.
If you trade with a city you get X victory points, or Y if you trade the most wanted thing.
If you raid a city, you get X points, or X points + 3 for each city you own if you own the most.
If you take over the city you get X * the number of cities taken in that region points for each city.
If you complete mission cards you get X bonus as written on the cards, and if you get the most of a single type/color you get blah blah blah.


Yeah, that's real viking fury for you.

ubarose said...

Although most of the time I think Mr. S needs to get himself some prozac before he ruptures something, I gotta' say, I'm with him on the whole victory point thing.

robartin said...

Viking Fury is not half bad, mostly because it's short. For my money, I'll play Mare Nostrum+Exp any time instead.

Jack HIll said...

A: Viking Fury is okay. At least it has dice. Not nearly as good as History of the World. That has vikings, but they are usually Saxon fodder in no time flat. Clearly, they had no octopus with them.

B: Toro is such a poser. His real name is Bilal Inci. Turk. Not Norwegian. I'm not sure of the Octopus' nationality.

C: Toro is right. Ragnarok is a great game. I need to see if it is still in one of the boxes back in the stacks. Might have to drag it out.

robartin said...

Mr. Skeletor couldn't play "viking" if he wanted to- besides, who the fuck is going to step up and tell you to stop playing vampire? What are you, some kind of washed up goth?

Hey, if we're talking about people pretending to be other people, we need to talk about Michael Barnes A.K.A. Mark E. Smith. The guy took a ball peen hammer and knocked out a few of his own teeth the other day. He's starting to look more like that avatar of his every day. Very creepy.

Anyhow, we all know that washed up hippies turn into yuppies, but what happens to washed up goths?

toro said...

Mr. Skeletor I don't expect you to appreciate the ways in which Fire and Axe detail some of the harsh realties of viking life...but I also don't expect you to have a cock or balls either.

We have to trade to stay alive...dude, we don't grow ANYTHING...we have to trade shit like ivory and bearskins to get boss-ass sleds, food, and more god damned beer. Hats off to the Ragnar Borthers for showing the world that we're not just raping and killing machines- that'sjust 75% of the job.

Jack Hill- you son of a bitch, my given name is Toro Gunnar Bjornosson Half-Axe Bloodthunder of the Northern Darkness. Does that sound Turkish to you? Hell no. Falafel is Turkish, Turkish Delight is Turkish. I'm 100% pure Norseman. Valhalla!

You motherfuckers ought to be listening to some fuckin' Bathory records, which is what I'm doing right now. Valhalla!

Big said...

I thought all the vikings had given up the life of plunder for pulling buses, dragging anchors, throwing tires and stacking kegs...plus the occasional cheese wheel. Unfortunately, it appears that the glory days of men named Magnus have come and gone (http://www.theworldsstrongestman.com/wsm/2006/final.html ). Have all the vikings now moved on to more lucrative activities, such as making Capitol One commercials?

TR

Michael Barnes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
toro said...

Shit, dog...those fuckin' sellouts, I can't belive how low some stout viking warriors will sink...I had some good friends of mine turn up in that movie Pathfinder and let me just say that they're not really welcome at the longtable any more.

You motherfuckers love all this fuckin' pirate shit but you crap all over vikings...I don't get it. I bet every one of you Fortress Ameritrash pee-holes is going to line up to go see that Pirates of the Carribbean movie but if it were called Vikings of the North Atlantic you'd probably roll out your smart-ass comments about the proud viking traditions. Fuck all y'all, go watch the faggy pirate.

Looks like mutton's on the menu tonight...after I plunder your momma's house. Better hope you're not there when the ship pulls up.

Ken B. said...

VIKING #1: What's in YER wallet?!

VIKING #2: A sheepskin. Ye can never be too careful these days.

VIKING #1: Aye.

mtlawson said...

Did I read that right that a blog admin deleted good 'ol Anonymous' comment?

robartin said...

Fuck all y'all, go watch the faggy pirate.

A Viking who says y'all? Barnes, you just blew your cover.

toro said...

I say y'all the time you prick. In our wayfaring, vikings pick up a lot of slang. Looks like your cover is blown too you ignornant jerkface.

mtlawson said...

I swear that that pic looks like Freddie Mercury in a Viking costume.

toro said...

Dude, I love Queen. Not as much as ZZ Top or Bathory, but I do love Queen. Fuckin' We are the Champions! Fat Bottomed girls? Yeah!

Ryan Walberg said...

Why are you guys so busy bashing Viking Fury when you could be busting on the lame-ass selection of SdJ nominees instead?

RobertB said...

toro:viking::Panch:Highway Patrolman

TORO said...

WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? Did you guys see that Tom "Altar Boy" Vasel gave Fire and Axe a bad review? What a fucking jackass! He sucks every other game's El Grande like an Amsterdam whore...I think he's prejudice against the paganism of the Norseman and he's probably sore that his fucking missionaries couldn't convert all the vikings with their weakling faith. Hey Tom, I've got both fire and axe sittin' right here just waitin' to give your sorry ass a little love...

Ryan, I have to tell you that the Spiel Des Jarhes is a load of shit anyway...who the fuck cares about those bullshit games? Hell, I don't know anyone who even owns most of that shit...of course, most of my mates play Hnefatafl, Ragnarok, and Fire and Axe exclusively. I just bought Saga off ebay and I'm probably going to get that Vikingatid game Jack Hill mentioned, even though he's been a jerkass, calling me Turksih and all.

RobertB said...

I think Tom Vassal has a point: if getting whipsawed by event cards and dice aren't your cup o' tea, then Fire and Axe might not be the game for you. In the past three games of F&E that I've played, I've seen the sea monster basically cost two people any chance at the game, and a series of bad die rolls cost a third player the chance.

Having said that, I personally think it's part of the game's appeal. Sure it sucks when it's your guys getting eaten by the sea monster when you were on your way to sack Rome, but sooner or later it'll be someone else's turn in the barrel.

toro said...

That's right RobertB- not only do you understand that Fire and Axe is not a game for the casual pussy who bitch-cries when they roll a 1 looking for a 6 but it's also a game that celebrates our octopus god- yes sir, that's what that fuckin' sea monster is supposed to represent.

Man up you fucking lame asses...if you want to harvest corn, then why don't you shovel some shit for VPs.

mtlawson said...

Me? I'm waiting for a copy of Fire and Axe to show up, but in the meantime....

If you don't like event cards messing things up, then why play something like the C&C system, which is totally event card driven? That's the thing that made me shake my head at the review. The whole point is to exercise risk management, just like in Parthenon and Civ.

As for the SdJ, all I can really say is that the games nominated really aren't of the group that inspire me to go out and purchase. The themes may sound interesting (archaeology), but I'm not so sure of the implementation.