Monday, 17 December 2007

Guest Report--Behind Enemy Lines

F:AT reader Jonathan Yonce sent us a great after-action report of his Ameritrash-fueled invasion of a very snooty-sounding "EuroQuest". What follows is a tale of plastic, beer, tears, and a distressing lack of nutrition during his stay.

_____________________________________________


Behind Enemy Lines
EuroQuest V

I'm no solider. I have no training. I'm getting back into board games after four beer-soaked years of collegiate neglect. Axis & Allies, Magic, Settlers, Ameritrash-- That's my story. What makes them think *I* have the fortitude for this mission? Reconnaissance deep behind the arid trenches into one of the main outposts of euro games, where themes lie asphyxiated by gas and cubes march stoically in lockstep. What makes those chuckle heads at F:AT think that such a neophyte should venture so close to Mount Doom just to see what the Burning Eye is up to? Oh, wait. That's right. I volunteered. But I was lucky enough to recruit a good friend and gaming buddy, Greg who would serve as my wingman. We were supposed to head up that night to rendezvous with Agent Malloc, but sadly my wingman was detained and didn't get to my place til late. We did however end up going out for drinks with old friends in town - the perfect conditioning for dealing with dry games.

Here follows my pieced together recollection of my encounters in Timonium, MD (which, surprisingly, is *not* on the periodic table of elements) November 11th and 12th - home of EuroQuest V.



SUNDAY Morning:

0700 – Alarm goes off. Why is Maryland so far away?

0745 – Leave.

0800 – Leave again. This time with directions. My wingman proves his worth.

0815 – Gas up and find out how effective a 7-11 Bacon, Egg, Cheese Croissant is against a slight hangover. Not very. Bacon bits do *not* equal bacon in my book. Like "combat" in a euro, these bacon bits were a sad substitute for real meat.

0950 – Arrive at Days Hotel. As far as the rooms go – it turns out that I *can* in fact judge a book by its cover. Serviceable, though, and economical. No matter - I'm here to game.

0955 – Get pre-registration badges. Discover I traveled 120 miles to be there. Nothing compared to the eventual Puerto Rico tournament winner who came all the way from California. (You'd HAVE to win for that trip to be worth it!) There are free snacks and drinks – most impressive.

1000 – Not wanting to rouse suspicions, Wingman Greg and I try to fit in with the euro-natives by cracking open Shogun (which we found in the MASSIVE game library there). Armed with memories of playing Wallenstein in high school, we cobble together our two player variant. I crush him. I revel in the victory only long enough to discover that had one action been different, he would have won. Good start. I mean, we're playing with cubes, right? Who'd suspect us (unless of course, they spotted me eyeing the library's untouched copy of Twilight Imperium)?

1230 – Meet Zev of Z-Man Games. Very nice and impressive businessman. Wish I could produce and sell board games for a living. Buy Prophecy.

1300 – First heat for Settlers of Catan tournament. The format here is interesting and used to speed things up: your second placement is a city and you get TWO resources for each bordering hex. I play against two former 2006 finalists and some nice kid. Take the lead with around 5 VP and one player takes it upon herself to inform everyone of my slight lead. She plays her robber on me. I bite my tongue – biding my time. She builds her fifth connecting road but conveniently forgets to claim the 2 VP Longest Road tile so I kindly remind her and point out that *she* is now the new target. She's at 9 VP and the trade embargo ensues. I come back because no one's trading with her. I steal her longest road for the win.
Wingman Greg loses. I taunt him so he can better channel his rage into victory.

1440 – Rendezvous with Agent Malloc, who dared enter the belly of the beast with a small child in tow. I could only assume the little tyke served as a canary in the euro-mines. All too soon I see first hand the deadly effects of cube confusion as the small one goes limp. Malloc doesn't have much time. He introduces me to Phil and King "Caylus" Putman who is apparently decimating all euronerds in his path. Malloc reports of missed Arkham Horror and describes TI3 (which I've yet to play). I question my fortitude as I see him depart.

1445 – Check in at front desk. Overhear a phone conversation between the front deskman and a woman who wanted to know the following: Where was the Days Hotel? Was there a bar? Could she have as many drinks as she wanted? Hmmm… Another Ameritrasher coming to EuroQuest?

1500 – Regroup with WMG at Chili's. Eat one of the only two *real* meals I consume on my journey.

1615 – Scout out an appealing game demo. Play Amazing Space Venture with WMG and the designer, Steven LaShay. One of the best games I've played in a while. Read a more detailed debriefing here: http://www.boardgamegeek.com/thread/240844.

1830 – STARCRAFT! Holy Hell in a hand basket had I been wanting to play this! Let's just say the game topped my own secret agenda at EuroQuest. A gentleman was setting up a game with 4 players already seated and asked if WMG and I would like to play. Immediately, I answered in the affirmative. The game had already been set up with starting units, cards, and orders placed so we could learn the rules. It was great fun playing though - despite the obvious euro gamer at the table who couldn't get past some timing issue when resolving combat. I tried to explain to him that Zerglings rush, kill, and die - there are no timing issues.
Serious hats off to our teacher, who turned out to be none other than Doug Epperson-- BGG profile: "I play games to have fun!" He wasn't lying. Doug created this Brood War scenario ( http://www.boardgamegeek.com/file/info/27773) just to teach others how to play. A guy who loves games, clearly.

2030 – Second Settlers Heat. With WMG this time. One guy (William, I think) runs away with the game and we finish in about 40 minutes. Considering about 15 of those minutes were spent setting up and placing – that's one fast game. I place second. I chat with my "friendly competitors" a while, then wander away, consumed by thoughts of die rolls and theories about how a game that uses soldiers needs rules for attacking.

2130 – Mosey back into the main hall and see WMG sitting down to a game of God-knows-what with two other guys. I sit and listen in on the rules. The game turns out to be Battue. First, it's a gorgeous game. Simple rules of moving onto city tiles and rolling 2D6 + number of your barbarians versus 2D6 + tile defense. Get loot, conquer city tiles, card play to boost attacks and mess with others, but overall pretty simple – too simple. I take out the big palace objective in the center of the city and hold it while I lost other tiles. Eventually I strike out to try to just end the game. Ugh.

2400 – One guy from the Battue game and one of his friends are interested in playing another game. He tells me and WMG to pick something out of the library. WMG picks Thebes. We lay it out and I worry about the board. It looks boring. Just a handful of European and Mediterranean cities with dotted lines connecting. There's a scoring track around the board and a damn stupid looking hatted-meeple man. The rule explanation begins.

MONDAY MORNING

0045 – After deciphering three long, colorful pages of rules, we're just about to start. Turns out our score isn't being measured by times around the board– we're actually fighting for the title of in-game time spent. Clearly, this is not a game about time travel-- but that mechanic would make this game immeasurably cooler. All in all I had Starcraft's rules explained to me more quickly...

0315 – Playing an extra 1/3 of the game (we find out later) has us all feeling as though Thebes might have worn out its welcome. Eye my F:AT-issued cyanide tablets more than once. Overall a nice euro but when I'm an explorer and I *can't* jump my fellow archeologist to steal his loot but I *can* transport from London to Israel instantly with a zeppelin – something's gone wrong. I never *did* get my hands on this magic, time-warping zeppelin either.

0330 – Up to our room to sleep off the day's *real* excitement: Seeing Cuba, Agricola, and Race for the Galaxy all played in one room. Yippee?

0745 – Alarm goes off.

0815 – Walk around the abysmal continental breakfast bar. Scoff at the sad display of cereal, coffee, honey buns, and bagels. Think back to the guy at the front desk who only yesterday informed me of the hotel's "fabulous continental breakfast." Clearly he has crap for standards.

0820 – Wander around until someone unlocks the main hall doors.

0830 – Realize that WMG and I roused ourselves a half an hour earlier than necessary. Apparently, the third heat wasn't scheduled to begin until 0900.

0831 – Break out my beat to Hell copy of Magblast. Win two games to WMG's one game.

0900 – Heat Three. With WMG once more – I come from behind to win putting me in the top six with eight advancing.

1100 – Semis with top two from each game advancing. Game saving moment: Two other players orchestrate a six for one trade so one can build enough roads to steal the Longest Road VPs from the fourth player who would've won that turn (confirmed by him later). End up jumping out and pulling down the win. Sweet. WMG is taking another crack at Thebes and wins.

1230 – Finals. Based on points thus far I'm second. We switch now to playing vanilla Settlers and apparently my brain can't cope, leaving me to score a paltry 5 VP's to my opponents' 7, 7, and 10. I learn later that the winner helped program AI for Settlers on Xbox. Super.

1400 - Quick, tear-soaked burger from Chili's does nothing to ease the sting of defeat. Seeing a beautifully presented game of Descent (3-D dungeon, painted figures, the works) that I can't stay for does little to help.

1430 - Back on the road to make it home before the traffic gets bad. Still alive after dodging some close calls and no worse for wear - ready to write up my surveillance and report back to the Fortress (uh, eventually).

329 comments:

1 – 200 of 329   Newer›   Newest»
bobby_5150 said...

Great report trooper.

Michael Barnes said...

Armed with memories of playing Wallenstein in high school

You know Johnathan...I'm not that old. I don't really feel or act any different now than I did when I was 17. But that comment made me feel like a fucking dinosaur.

You brought up the wooden hatted meeple man. I hate that guy. I just want to take a jigsaw and cut that jaunty hat off his smug little head. It's like he's some kind of foppish version of one of those Fisher Price Little People. The big question is why is he in so damn many games?

THEBES...it's _definitely_ Euro all the way but I think it's pretty good. I'd say it's probably the best Euro I've played in 2007. But yeah, there's some things where if you're F:AT-centric would make the game really great- like some "whammy" tiles like a mummy, a curse or a cave-in when you're digging and the ability to sabotage your opponent's lectures with highfalutin academic counterpoints made in peer-reviewed journals.

Good report, friend!

Michael Barnes said...

BTW- why do they call it "Euroquest" anyway? Everybody knows you don't go on quests in Euros...they should call it "Euroimpress".

Wargamer66 said...

I had exactly the same reaction as Micheal, I now feel old. We were playing the first edition of Dungeons and Dragons in HS.

Great report, thanks for taking one for the team!

KingPut said...

Excellent Report. Johnathan. Hopefully you'll make it down to Maryland in May 1 - 4. You may have heard I conviced the Game Clubs of Maryland that we needed gaming balanced so they agreed to hold Trashfest to make up for Euroquest. Science Fiction Saturday is May 3rd and Malloc is running Star Craft in the afternoon and Ti3 in the evening.

If somebody bought me a copy of Thebes, I'd paint Indiana Jones snakes and that giant ball thing on some of the sand tiles so that some really bad stuff could happen to people. But this also be my favorite Euro of 2006. As I told Ubarose on her blog, if you have to play Thebes just pretend you're playing Talisman or some other dungeon type game. You run arround Europe getting spells and powers than you go to Egypt and Greece to hunt for treasure (that's why the snakes would be cool).

vialiy said...

I couldn't find any interesting Euro for me in 2007, maybe I'll check up Thebes...

Juniper said...

I had exactly the same reaction as Micheal, I now feel old. We were playing the first edition of Dungeons and Dragons in HS.

You had Dungeons & Dragons? We only had Chutes & Ladders, first edition. There were only 29 spaces on the board, because higher numbers hadn't been invented yet, and there was a chute on every space -- even the first one.

The player pieces were lumps of petrified animal dung, and for some reason they were wearing hats. The pieces became rather hard to distinguish from one another, as they were coated with coal dust from the mine where we lived, worked, and went to school.

My proudest moment was the come-from-behind victory in which Timothy succumbed to black lung during play, leaving me the winner by default. Huzzah!

Mikoyan said...

I like Thebes. The board isn't much but it's pretty well done. The tiles are really nice and being a bit of a history geek, the explanation of each tile is a welcome addition. Of course, the folks whine that it's too random. Instead of it being a random dice fest, it's a random card drawing and tile drawing fest. Anywho...

I think I figured it out...they live in their parents' basement and have little control of their lives so they want a game where they can have most control....

I would have won too...If it weren't for the n00b sitting to the left of me...

mtlawson said...

Chutes and Ladders??

Man, are you a youngster. I remember back in the day when somebody came to me and asked me if I wanted to play this brand new game that was all the rage.... Chess, I think it was.

Oh, and good report.

--Mike L.

hacksword said...

Chutes and Ladders? In my day, we only had Chutes. And we would've loved to have animal dung, we had to get the local blacksmith to pound our faces in with a hammer and use our teeth to mark our place on the board.

Michael Barnes said...

Bah- youngsters. When I was a lad, the only game we had was staring into infinite blackness. You did nothing, because there wasn't anything. In fact, it wasn't even a game because SETTLERS OF CATAN hadn't been invented yet. I think the new GIPF game simulates this.

NeonPeon said...

"Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."

Juniper said...

Bah- youngsters. When I was a lad, the only game we had was staring into infinite blackness. You did nothing, because there wasn't anything.

Horrible Black Void was a LARP?

Michael Barnes said...

That's why I like the HBV so much- it makes me wax nostaligic.

Juniper said...

Poor ol' Randy Cox. He posted a fascinating Geeklist, in which he proposes an alternative algorithm for ranking the games in the database. His basic idea is to correct for the tendency for older games (which naturally get fewer votes) to be unfairly under-represented in the top-100 list due to a side-effect of the procedure by which rankings are determined.

The BGG users' responses? Some choice ones:

This is a pretty standard "My favorite is rated too low and there must be some sort of reason why, because I can't possibly be wrong" list. Some ingenuity in the rationale and reasoning that are forwarded, but the suggested "fixes" would, if instituted, end up being some of the crappiest features the geek could possibly have.

(In response to my heretical suggestion that Poker is fun:)

Well, since Poker is incredibly boring unless you're playing for money, I'd say "maybe". I'm sure having your mortgage on the line in a game of Agricola would perk it right up too.

AGRICOLA has a gambling variant? POKER is boring? Why is everyone on BGG so very angry?

It's my fault, I know, for returning to the 'Geek from my self-imposed exile. I was initially only looking for the player aids for EUROPE ENGULFED, I swear!

ubarose said...

Excellent work Agent Y.

MWChapel said...

You don't feel the pull to play the precious Euro's until you turn 35.

Renew!

Mikoyan said...

Everyone agrees that the rating system on BGG sucks ass but just about every new rating proposal gets the same response. So it will never change.

At least the ratings flap has prompted me to put comments on my games.

And why does this Euro Vs. Amerigames remind me so much of the "debates" over Punk Vs. Metal?

StephenAvery said...

Nice Work! Next you'll have to infiltrate the inner sanctum of the Dice Tower..After all, one suicide mission is never enough.

Also, I never can get enough reminicing about 'the good ol' days' Probably becuse I'm getting old and don't actually remember them anymore...

Steve"Good ol" Avery

Juniper said...

You don't feel the pull to play the precious Euro's until you turn 35.

Kind of like a prostate examination? :-O

Michael Barnes said...

And why does this Euro Vs. Amerigames remind me so much of the "debates" over Punk Vs. Metal?

Hmm...not sure...it can't be easily settled by pointing at the closest Discharge record...

Michael Barnes said...

Kind of like a prostate examination?

Don't give Eurogame designers any ideas, Juniper.

mtlawson said...

Protracted Prostate, the game of navigating the medical community to most effectively have your prostate examined!

--Mike L.

Michael Barnes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael Barnes said...

Let's peer into the future for this BGG review of PROTRACTED PROSTATIA"

The card drafting and bidding mechanics are so well integrated into the theme it really feels like some guy is sticking his fingers up your ass!

Juniper said...

The card drafting and bidding mechanics are so well integrated into the theme it really feels like you're sticking your fingers up some guy's ass!

"The rubber surgical gloves that were included in the box helped everyone to really enjoy the role-playing aspect of the game, but I strongly recommend putting the action cards into sleeves. And wiping them with a damp cloth after each game."

NeonPeon said...

You guys are giving me photoshop ideas, and they're all horrible.

Michael Barnes said...

Ha ha, that's awesome...I went back and re-worded it to reflect the passive-aggressive nature of the typical BGGer bug Jupes caught the original, more aggressive version. Now you have both for your holiday enjoyment.

vandemonium said...

man. I hadn't checked in a couple of days, read this thread and promptly spit crackers all over my keyboard laughing.

Thanks guys!

Is PROTRACTED PROSTATIA available for pre-order yet?

Mr Skeletor said...

So did you get laid?
I mean chicks dig Euro's right.

MWChapel said...

So did you get laid?
I mean chicks dig Euro's right.


I dig Euro's...Chick dig me. Because I'm dead sexy.

P.S. How do the chicks like the HeMan Action figures?

MrSkeletor said...

I thought chicks dig you because you are blatantly homosexual?

J-Yonce said...

Hey guys - I'd been meaning to get to posting here earlier (before the post got lost to the blogger abyss), but holiday/net probs got in the way.

Sorry for the age check, too. Though it's not my fault this place is full of a bunch of old geezers trying to relive their days of youth - there needs to be more young blood! Well, at least most here act like they're 16 ;)

Really glad you got something out of it and it was fun going and writing. I really was hoping to fare better in the settlers tournament. I'd not played in a substantial tournament since I played in the M:TG Weatherlight pre-release at UMD (again, in high school).

Kingput- Definitely looking forward to TrashFest! Especially since that's my b-day weekend and I'm dying to play SC and TI3. Gonna be any more press on it or is it more word of mouth? Gonna need any help? I'd love to volunteer for something if possible.

Agent Y.

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